When can I be myself ?

I've been having quite a depressing week since She left. One other reason was that my parents aren't really happy with my bahaviour. I do accept that I get angry but that doesn't mean that I'm always like that. It's been really hitting me hard and it's getting me depressed.

I've been hearing quite a few things that i really didn't want to anytime in my life. My mom had mentioned one time that she wished she had only a son. She thinks that I don't respect her at all but how the fuck do I explain it to her that I love her more than anything else in this world and I would love her till my last breath no matter of what she tells me. Sometimes, I wish that I wasn't her daughter, maybe she deserved a better daughter. She has a wonderful son and a question that haunts me more "Am I her's?" I never really want a reply for that.

My parents are a God's gift for me. I cannot ask for more but there are certain things that's really bothering me. They think I was the cause for everything and it really hurts me when my mom mentions it everytime we have a row with each other. She expects me not to cry. Am I suppposed to be an emotionless bitch?

They have an eye on every little expression I show. I was watching some thrilling scene on tv and my mom walks in and tells me to change my facial expression. She thinks I was straining my face. Am I supposed to have a smile when i watch a horror scene? It really annoyed me and there created a big scene. I was talking very politely explaining to her that I was watching a thriller scene keenly and I had my face narrowed. She wouldn't understand at all. She started raising her voice when my dad walked in making it a crime scene. They think I'm always stern faced when it comes to them and that I act different to my friends. How would I explain to them ? My mom always raises her voice and exaggerates the scene to my dad. I really hate it. She makes it look I grabbed her throat.

How the hell do I make them understand? I may not show to them on their face that I love them, but they got to understand. I'm trying my best to please them and make them happy. I've given up on so many things for them for they think it's not appropriate for they care what the society thinks. They didn't want me to dance or play cricket. I gave up. They tell me that isn't the age to do all that. I want to release my energy by sweating out on the treadmill while my dad wants me to do yoga because it's more feminine.

They treat me like I have a born nervous disorder. They think I'm weak. I bet I'm more fit than many girls my age. I have the stamina. When they keep telling me that my skin will get affected or my body won't suit, I'm losing my confidence in myself. To hell with the God who created me.

I've decided to just stay in my room, cling onto my books, pc and music rather than trying to please them and getting yelled at. They think my friends are responsible for me acting like this. They want me to cut their relationship. Where will I go ? I have only a few friends and they want me to cut on them too.

What do they expect, lead a solitary life? To smile when I watch a horror movie? To spend the rest of my life pleasing everybody around me? To care what people think? When will I can be myself?

I have no second thought that all they are trying to do is make a better person out of me but it really haunts me the way they do it. They want to point out every mistake I do so that I won't repeat it. All I'm asking for is some time and space for me to change and evolve on my own. Will i get it? Do I deserve it?

I really wished Shriram was there. Sometimes, I want to call and cry to him because he's one person who can understand me and tell me things but hell no ! I'm scared. What if he also tells me the same thing? I swear I won't live for another day.

I got agitated when my mom told me that i need a psychiatrist but thinking for myself, i think i do need one. I really can't stand it. I'm scared, very scared. I don't want a psychiatrist. I want to be normal and accepted for who I'm.

I want to be me ! Just me and nobody else.
I'm not that bad as you think I'm Ma. I love you. I don't know how else i can put it.
Please try to understand me.
I want to wake up tomorrow and cry away that all this is just a dream.
I love you both. Pls understand. I don't want to hear once more that you wish i wasn't there, I swear I won't be there after that. If that is how you'll understand my love for you, I'll do it.

SHE's gone......for ever !

Gone are the days when I captured the shots of speakable expressions, gone are the days when I played music for my friends who wanted to hear a song just another time before the class started, gone are the days when I would look at someone smiling at me just reassuring me that everything is going to be alright and I will fix it. Yes, She's gone ! My beautiful N73 mobile.

While tears roll down my cheeks, I would narrate the story of her kidnap. She lay close to my heart for Shriram had bought it for me as a birthday present........5 months after my birthday. It was a beautiful day and I had awaited that evening. I named her She. She was of very sentimental value to me and i felt like Shriram was just lying in my hands and I can hold onto him forever until that hope was shattered like a crystal vase on the 28th of this month. After my practice at the college grounds for the cricket match for which my parents were really against, I had found that She was STOLEN by some ^%&*#@!*. I hated my college for allowing people to do stuff like that, not that they could do anything much, while I had lost Her.

I was yelled(because my friends could hear) by my mother on the phone. I have tried every way possible to get Her back, but realised that unless that %&*#&(#@ does not change his mind, there's no way She's coming back to me. I've lost Her for ever. I feel totally responsible for it. This is my last try thinking that the $%^&$& who stole Her would by some how mysteriously come across my blog and read it.

This is to the $#%!$#&^* who stole Her:
SHE WILL NOT STAY WITH YOU. SHE'S EITHER MINE OR NOBODY'S !! THOU SHALL PUNISH FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

While I did try out one other possible way of putting in the Almighty's hands for i had a dealing with Him that I would climb the 3000 fleet of steps to see him within a year if He helps in getting my mobile back. My dad was more angry than me for he told me to go to the Kali temple and curse the *(@#$~@# who stole Her. Somehow(surprisingly), I couldn't do that and I prayed that nobody should fall into my situation. I was ashamed to tell people that She was stolen. She was my responsibilty and I was to take care of Her. I still haven't given up.

Now, all I can wish for is HOPE !!!
I want to climb the 3000 steps.